He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
