looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize