please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
