genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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