Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
