Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
