I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
