How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Randomize
