Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
