my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
