I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
