captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize