I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
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