I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
