nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
