You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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