why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
