Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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