I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
