So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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