Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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