he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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