Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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