i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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