the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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