Reggie can tackle my bush.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
