Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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