He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
