my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
