haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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