you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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