She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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