I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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