My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
