My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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