you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
