don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize