My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
