Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
