and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
