I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
