where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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