Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
