Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Randomize
