Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
