theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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