saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
