just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
