my phone needs a breathalizer
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
