The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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