The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Life is so much better after having sex.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
