Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
