I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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