hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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