I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize