i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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