do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
